How to talk to someone else about drinking

Talking to a friend, family member, loved one, or colleague about their drinking might feel difficult but taking that first step to have a  conversation with them could be life-changing – for them, and your relationship.  

This page gives you some guidance on how to approach starting a conversation with someone, but everyone is different and you know them best, so the below is designed to guide you not as a template to follow.  

Identifying when to have conversations 

It isn’t always easy to tell if someone you care about might be drinking in a harmful way. But as someone close to them, you can be well placed to recognise changes in behaviour that show someone is drinking in a way that risks harming them and others around them.

You’re probably looking to have a conversation with someone else because you’re worried about them, their drinking, or how they are behaving when they are drinking. Often this will have built up over time and you have a strong sense that you “should” say something, but you might not have found the right moment or be quite sure how to approach it. Our research shows that conversations often take place as a result of the “final straw” moment, as opposed to a planned conversation. But thinking in advance about how you want to approach it will help you get the best outcome.  

There isn’t one size fits all - every conversation is different 

We’re all different and our relationships are unique, and no two conversations are the same. There are lots of factors as to why something may go better one day than another, but by leading with empathy, you can help someone make a change.  

Planned or unplanned conversations  

Our research shows that there is no clear evidence that planned conversations are more successful than unplanned ones, and for many these conversations often end up being reactive and spontaneous. So, whilst planning a conversation might help you to think about how you approach it more, it is often following some specific behaviour that you may choose to bring it up with them.  

If you are able to plan a conversation then this can be a good opportunity to plan how you approach it.  

Planning your conversation enables you to think sensitively about how to approach and phrase it, sometimes taking some notes and thinking specifically about how you start the conversation can be helpful. You may also find it helpful to let the other person know you’d like to talk about their drinking, this can help the other person not feel ambushed.  

Advice and tips on how to have conversations 

Every relationship is different and therefore approaching each conversation will be different, however here are ways you can do it with empathy and understanding. Here are some general tips for how to and not to approach it:

What if the conversation doesn’t go how you wanted it to?  

Having a difficult conversation isn’t easy and although you may have been thinking about this for a long time, the other person may have not, or they may not feel ready to address it. Defensiveness, anger, and denial can be common as many people still feel lots of shame around their drinking, but by approaching with empathy, hopefully you will find a positive way forward. And even if someone gets defensive in the moment, it doesn’t mean that the conversation hasn’t landed and seeds for the future haven’t been sewn.  

If things start to go off track: 

• Try not to raise your voice or use accusatory language, even if the other person does 
• Reiterate that you’re here to support and help the other person 
• Ask open questions using neutral language  
• Remember they may be in a different place to you – just because you wanted a specific outcome, doesn’t mean that’s the right one for today. Sometimes change is made through a series of small steps, and this could be the first one 
• Sometimes it's best to leave the conversation for that day and return to it when they have had time to reflect