How does alcohol affect your relationship?

There’s no doubt that alcohol plays a big part in our relationships. By lowering inhibitions, it’s helped bring countless happy couples together. But it’s also the catalyst for ill-advised one-night-stands, blazing rows and worse.

Here, five people tell us how alcohol has affected their own relationships.

"Incidents aren’t the best way to start a relationship”

“I was single for most of my time at uni. I slept with half a dozen people, and snogged way more. But every one of those was when I was drunk. Some of the boys I wouldn’t have looked at when sober, but there were also a few I really fancied. The trouble is, drunken incidents aren’t the best way to start a relationship. It didn’t do much for my self-esteem.

Towards the end of my final year, I started spending time with someone I really liked. And, although it took a few drinks for something to finally happen, the fact we’d really got to know one another while sober meant that, for the first time, I didn’t feel ashamed about it the next morning. Several years later, we’re still together.”

Anna, customer services manager

“If a woman meets me, I’m sober, so there’s no nasty surprises”

“I’m a non-drinker, so I’ve obviously had relationships affected by alcohol. Most of the time it’s okay, although at first people are a bit sensitive about me not drinking.

If a woman meets me, I’m sober, so there’s no nasty surprises when she discovers she doesn’t like me when I drink. On the other hand, I’ve sometimes been affected by a woman changing into a different person when she drinks.

The problem is when she says something drunk that she wouldn’t say sober. I think one of two things: either she’s lying, or she’s saying something that is true but that she wouldn’t dare say when she’s in control of herself. In this latter case, I get concerned that she’s holding back when she’s sober.

I can act stupid and say stupid things as much as anyone. But at least I’m in control: it’s me making a conscious, sober decision to do or say something. With alcohol, you don’t know if that’s the case.”

Charlie, teacher

“Sober, he was just no fun”

It was a bit of a cliché really. I met my ex in a bar – at the bar. He made some comment about girls who drink pints and the banter started to flow as fast as the beer did. He was quick witted, clever, a writer like me, and completely gorgeous. We swapped numbers and met two days later – at our local. We were both obviously nervous and before we knew it, had downed a few beers. The conversation turned from awkward to awesome.

That pattern of behaviour became our relationship: we’d meet after work, drink through the silences and end up partying the night away.

It was after more than two months that we had our first sober date. I went round to his to watch a DVD and all we drank was chocolate milk. Sober, Mark was just no fun. His shyness was painful; he could hardly talk to me. What I’d thought were his killer one-liners were more like quite rude insults. We tried a few more sober dates which made us both realise that, in the cold, booze-free light of day, the chemistry just wasn’t there.”

Emma, writer

“He accused me of being paranoid because I was drunk”

“I’d suspected that my boyfriend was seeing someone else, but it was only when we were drunk that I had the courage to confront him about it. He just brushed it off and accused me of being paranoid and trying to start an argument because I was drunk. So it ended up with me being in the wrong and apologising to him.

It eventually transpired that I’d been right all along. He confessed that he’d cheated on me several times, but said it had only happened because he’d been drinking. Which was probably true, but it isn’t an excuse.” 

Stacey, actress

“If one of you opens a bottle it’s hard for the other not to have a glass”

“Since having kids, my wife and I don’t go out drinking much. I miss meeting up with friends in the pub, but I don’t miss the silly drunken arguments we often used to have when we got home.

We do drink more at home these days though, and that can sometimes be an issue. With two small children it’s easy to feel like you need a drink at the end of the day, and I think we end up pushing each other into drinking more often than we should.

If one of you opens a bottle of wine, then it’s hard for the other not to have a glass – or half a bottle – as well, even if you hadn’t intended to drink that night. And if you don’t join in, then it looks as if you’re trying to make a point or being judgemental.”

Max, marketing executive

• Alcohol often plays a key role in dating and relationships, but it doesn’t have to.
• If you think drinking is causing problems in your relationship, it’s best to talk about it when you’re both sober. Follow our advice if you’re concerned about your partner or someone else’s drinking.
• Remember, Government guidelines recommend that women should not regularly exceed 2-3 units daily and that men should not regularly exceed 3-4 units daily – so if you’re sharing a bottle of wine every night, you need to think about cutting down.

Page last updated by

Matthew Bateman, 23 Aug 2010.

Page checked on

04 Feb 2010