Alcohol, sex & relationships: your questions answered

Is alcohol an aphrodisiac, or does it put a dampener on your sex drive? Find out everything you need to know in Is alcohol affecting your sex life?

Mixing alcohol and sex can be a risky business – we’ve got the facts and some helpful ideas for staying safe.

We asked you about the impact drinking has had on your love life. Six honest folk tell us how alcohol has affected their relationships.

But first let’s kick things off with answers to your alcohol, sex and relationships questions….

"I’m a 19-year-old bloke, and I'm in my second year at university. I’m having a brilliant time, but I’m finding it hard to talk to new girls that I meet. I feel too shy when I’m sober, so I always end up drinking too much and making a fool of myself. I just want to feel more confident."

One reason people choose to drink alcohol on a night out is because they think it will make them feel more confident and make it easier for them to talk to someone they are attracted to. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, so after a drink you might worry less about what you say and do. But alcohol affects everyone differently. Some people can put away a couple of pints with no obvious effects, while others might start acting in a way they might not want to be reminded of the next day.

To avoid waking up with hazy recollections of slurred words or cheesy one-liners, stop and think about how much you’re drinking. Government guidelines recommend men shouldn’t regularly exceed 3-4 units a day – that’s a pint and half of strong lager.

Other things you can do to help you stay in control include eating a decent meal before you go out, and alternating your alcoholic drinks with soft ones. You can find lots more advice on our site.

Learn to feel more confident without relying on booze. Life coach Ian Paul Sharp suggests thinking about a situation where you’ve felt safe and confident, such as chatting to your mates or in a seminar at uni. “Take note of how you feel and remember it,” he says. “Try and keep in that state when you’re in a situation that scares you, like talking to new people.”

Without the drink inside you, the girls you talk to will see the real you. “Drink can give you a false confidence,” says Paul. “It’s much easier to be yourself without alcohol. And when you are, it’ll help you in the future – you’ll know that your confidence comes from within.”

"My girlfriend and I always end up arguing when we’ve had a drink. Even if we both started out in a good mood, and had fun when we’re out, she ends up being upset or argumentative by the time we get home. It’s starting to ruin our relationship."

Ever heard the phrase “It’s the drink talking”?

“Alcohol is a disinhibitor,” says Dr Abigael San, a clinical psychologist and alcohol expert. “It can make you say and do things you don’t mean, which leads to arguments. It can also make you more aggressive – and that’s a recipe for creating tension.”

It’s also worth remembering that men are less susceptible to the effects of alcohol than women – if your partner is matching you drink for drink, she’s likely to feel more drunk, more quickly. Read our Women and alcohol: drinking with the boys feature to find out more.

That’s why the Government guidelines say women shouldn’t regularly drink more than 2-3 units daily, but for men it’s a third more (3-4 units). So, to avoid feeling like you’re just one drink away from a huge drama, you should both stay within the guidelines.

If things start getting tense, don’t try to deal with it there and then. Stay calm and reasonable, but avoid taking things any further. You could say: “I understand you’re annoyed, but I think we should talk about this tomorrow.”  If you wait until you’re both clear-headed, you’ll avoid having to apologise for things said in the heat of the moment.

Read our Alcohol and relationships for more tips.

"My husband is just no fun to be with anymore. He’s always exhausted. I understand he works hard, but all he wants to do when he gets home is drink whiskey and crash out in front of the TV. We’re both in our early 40s, and I feel like there’s got to be more to life."

Your husband’s late night whiskeys could be affecting him – and your relationship – more than he realises. Alcohol can impact on your energy levels, mood, sleep and sex drive – as well as your long-term health.

Firstly, he needs to be careful of how much he’s putting in his glass. People tend to pour themselves far more than you’d get in a pub measure, so your husband may be drinking a lot more than he thinks. It’s important that he tries to not drink every day of the week – he’s likely to find he sleeps better, leaving him with more energy for you to do things together.

Relate counsellor Mo Kurimbokus says that drinking can be a form of escapism. “Alcohol is often used to avoid issues,” he says. “It’s getting in the way of your relationship – you’re not spending time together and the result is you’re drifting apart.”

Mo suggests thinking of activities you’ll both enjoy. “Remember what you liked doing together when you were in your ‘honeymoon period’. Whether it’s going for walks, seeing a movie or playing badminton, finding ways to spend time together is important, and should help you both feel more energetic,” says Mo.

“If communication doesn’t improve, you should consider seeking professional help.”

For suggestions on how to bring up the issue of drinking too much with your partner, see our feature, Concerned about someone’s drinking?

"I’m 23 and had my first baby a year ago. I’m not breastfeeding any more, but my partner doesn’t think I should be drinking. I’ve told him I need a couple of glasses of wine to relax at the end of the day, and when I go out I need to let my hair down."

Being a new mum is stressful – you’re juggling friends and family life with nappies and bottles, and you feel like you’ll never have a decent night’s sleep again.

Many people, at all stages of their lives, use alcohol to help them relax. A recent NHS poll shows that the reason why almost half (42%) of drinkers drink is to unwind after a stressful day. But you could actually be increasing your stress levels, especially if you regularly exceed the recommended guidelines set out for women– 2-3 units daily (3-4 for men). Alcohol is a depressant, which means that it slows down the brain and the central nervous system’s processes, making you feel low and lethargic. When you feel this way, it’s going to be even harder to cope with the stresses of being a mum, and so begins the vicious circle.

Sandra Hillier, area manager at Parentline Plus, says that when you’re drinking, you won’t be responding as well to your baby’s needs. She suggests: “Instead of picking up the bottle, pick up the phone. You can get support from Parentline Plus 24 hours a day on our free phoneline or our website.

“Find out what support is available in your area, and where you can meet other new mums – libraries are great for this information, as are local newspapers and the internet.”

Sandra also stresses the importance of taking time out for yourself: “It’s important to recognise your own needs as a parent as well as your baby’s,” she says. “Ask your partner or a friend to be with your baby for half an hour while you take a relaxing bath.”

Digging out your gym kit might be the last thing you feel like doing, but exercise can really help with stress. Even a brisk walk round the block can help clear you head – try taking the pram, it may help your baby sleep too!

When you feel like treating yourself, leave the wine in the fridge and try something new – like a fancy mocktail or a few squares of indulgent dark chocolate.

Page last updated by

Matthew Bateman, 23 Aug 2010.

Page checked on

04 Feb 2010