Concerned about someone’s drinking?

Margaret’s husband was never abusive or violent, never lost a job or his driving licence and she rarely saw him worse for wear. He did all his drinking away from home. But, in time, Margaret came to realise that her husband’s “top up drinking” was responsible for the deterioration of their marriage.

“I had no idea that most of the problems we experienced stemmed from my husband’s need to drink,” says Margaret.

Signs that someone you care about is drinking too much can be hard to spot if you don’t know what to look out for. It’s obvious when your friend or family member turns up drunk to social gatherings or stinks of booze regularly but less apparent when they binge drink in short spells. If they’re binge drinking regularly though, the signs may well be there and as someone close to them, you may be better placed to recognise their change in behaviour.

Spotting the signs

Mark Holmes is a clinical nurse at the Nottingham-based service, Last Orders, which trains doctors and health professionals to better support hazardous and harmful drinkers. He says people don’t realise how little a binge is: six units or two glasses of wine for a woman and eight units or a couple of pints of strong larger for a man.

“Regular binge drinking will lower mood so you could see your friend go through periods where their relationships are strained, they’re more anxious or short tempered and less enthusiastic about life,” says Mark. “They may also have blackouts, be less effective at work, not look after their appearance and experience feelings of remorse for what they’re doing.”

How to approach someone

If any of these signs ring true for how your friend or family member is behaving and you want to help, the next step is to work out how to approach the person you’re worried about. It’s important, says Dr Sheri Jacobson, psychotherapist and councillor at Harley Therapy  to do this with sensitivity and empathy – to put yourself in the shoes of the person you care about. Think about how you would want to be approached if someone were to tell you that you had a drinking problem.

“It can be humiliating to be told this and their first response might be to be defensive and deny they have a problem,” says Dr Jacobson. “They might think ‘everyone else is doing it’ because the acceptance of our drinking culture is so widespread that a lot of us might be classed as binge drinkers. Take their fragile position into account. Show concern rather than disapproval and tell them that you’re worried about their well-being.”

What to say – and what not to say

Using positive language is key to this empathetic approach. Dr Jacobson suggests using phrases such as:

“I wonder if you drink less your health/well-being may improve.”

“I’ve noticed that you aren’t so positive about life since you’ve been drinking more. This isn’t the kind of person I know you to be. I’m not bringing it up to upset you, but because I’m concerned.”

“I’ve noticed you’re not doing as much exercise as you used to.”

“I thought it was great when you were going to yoga/football/your night class etc."

Meanwhile, it’s definitely best to avoid harsh criticism, making judgements and labels such as “alcoholic”. To avoid circular conversations (Them: “No, I’m not!” You: “Yes, you are.”) it’s also best to keep your questions open, “I’ve noticed X, what do you think?” rather than “Don’t you think you have a problem?”.

How to prepare

On a practical level, choosing your moment is also vital – for both of you. “They need to be in the right mood, not drunk or too low, and you need to be in the right mood, feeling calm, confident and not too emotional,” advises Mark. You also need to be armed with as much information as possible so you can offer the person you care about the right facts and advice on where they can go to for support. Remind them that the Government’s recommended alcohol weekly units (14 for women, 21 for men) are a benchmark for safe drinking.

“If you Google ‘alcohol’ you’ll get thousands of results, so getting your friend the right information is important,” says Mark. “Drinkaware produce lots of different leaflets and resources such as a leaflet for parents and young people. They contain reliable information which, if you prefer, you could leave around discreetly for your friend to pick up. Find out what alcohol support services there are in your area and advise your friend to go see their GP for a health screening.”

Resources that might help you

Getting the person you’re concerned about to this stage, seeking support from someone independent, will hopefully help them change their behaviour with alcohol. Suggest they keep a drinks diary to keep track of how many units they’re drinking, think about cutting down or take an online test. That way, they’ll hear from other sources, not just you, that maybe they’re drinking too much.

Another reason why it’s good to prepare and have resources available is because you might be surprised to find that the person concerned agrees with you. “Yes, I think I am drinking too much,” they might say.

But they may not.

“You can aid and support them but they need to want to change their behaviour with alcohol themselves,” says Mark. “That might mean having the same conversation with them two or three times before they accept that they do have a problem.”

Page last updated by

Matthew Bateman, 18 Sep 2009.

Page checked on

26 Aug 2009