Avoiding family arguments this Christmas

The halls are decked, the presents are all nicely wrapped and you’ve got a week or so off work. ‘Tis the season to be jolly.

Right?

Of course. It should be. Christmas is an exciting time of year. It gives us the opportunity to celebrate with the people who mean the most to us. But spending lots of time with your parents, siblings and extended family, often in the same house, is something that you might not do at other times of the year – and it can cause arguments.

A 2008 Christmas survey found that four out of 10 people cited the strain of spending time with family as the reason for the annual epidemic of arguments. Reluctance to don the rubber gloves and help with the washing up or with jobs around the house was the next most popular reason; the battle of the remote control was fourth. Third was excessive drinking.

Effects of alcohol

At Christmas people often drink more and for longer periods. If you had a glass of champagne at 11am on any other day of the year, people might get worried about you. Yet that’s how many people kick off the Christmas Day proceedings..

But it’s this kind of festive drinking that can turn family Christmases into explosive situations because alcohol exacerbates arguments.

Alcohol works on the brain to lower our inhibitions, affecting your judgment (1). With a drink inside you you’re much more likely to tell Aunty Irene that you hated the pink wooly jumper she knitted you or ask Uncle Fred why he flirts with every girlfriend you bring home. If your mood’s low, alcohol can make it lower and it can also make you more aggressive (2). Which could explain why your keeps-himself-to-himself granddad might start moaning about this, that and everything once he’s had a whiskey or two.

Why we get annoyed

Many people know that alcohol affects them in these ways but still drink too much at Christmas and get in to, often silly, family arguments. Relate counsellor Christine Northan says we drink at Christmas because it’s the “oil we use for the social wheel”; we associate celebrating with drinking. But if we’re seething with anger about something that happened in the year, drinking, family and Christmas are not a happy mix.

“Drinking lowers your defences and changes your mood,” says Christine. “You might be talking about politics with a family member but start getting angry because you’re cross with them about something else that has happened.”

Family psychotherapist Marsha Myers says that drinking too much is perhaps something we do to cope with the pressure and expectations of Christmas. Films and TV make us think that idyllic family Christmases are the norm and that we should be having fun all the time when that’s rarely a reality. “Many people put pressure on themselves because of their expectations,” says Marsha. “But relationships are intensified at holiday times and there’s more time to annoy each other. That can lead people to drink more.”

Tips to avoid family arguments

There are a few things you can do to avoid drink-fuelled family arguments this Christmas. Firstly, don’t exceed the Government’s daily guidelines: women should not regularly exceed 2-3 units and men should not regularly exceed 3-4 units. Not going overboard with your drinking during the Christmas period and keeping track of how much you do drink are both recommended.

Research has shown that the most popular way to avoid a family argument at Christmas is to go for a walk. Marsha agrees that creating space is a good option. “Give yourself a break by excusing yourself in a benign way,” she says. “Tell people you’re going for a walk because you’ve eaten too much, not because you need to escape.”

Another option is to consider talking to the family member you are worried about arguing with before Christmas. Christine advises listing the pros and cons of approaching them to see if it is worth your time and energy getting the situation sorted now. This means thinking about the best way to approach them and when.

Remember it’s Christmas

The old adage of thinking before you speak is another good idea and one to be aware of if you’ve had a drink. Marsha advises staying clear of language like “I always thought...” or starting sentences with “You”. So instead of saying “You always act in this way”, you could say “I get upset when you act in this way”. This is less threatening and less likely to put people on the defensive. “Drinking too much prevents you thinking,” says Marsha. “You lose your caution and things can come out in ways you didn’t want them to.”

Reminding yourself that it is Christmas helps too. You might not get the opportunity to see your family very often, says Christine, so think about whether the argument you’re about to get in to is really worth it. “Think about the consequences and step back,” she says. “Don’t drink too much and you’ll stay better in control.” And you’ll hopefully have a very happy, peaceful family Christmas.

References

(1)    Faeroes-Gonzalez, R 2002, 'High Risk Behaviours in a sample of Mexican-American College Students'. Psychological Reports, vol 90, no 1, pp 117-130.

(2)    Chermack, St et al 1995, 'Alcohol and human physical aggression: Pharmacological versus expectancy effects', vol 56, pp 449-456.

Page last updated by

Root User, 19 Apr 2010.

Page checked on

14 Dec 2009