Does alcohol make you argue with your partner?

Whether you fancy an evening in with a takeaway and the telly, or a night out at a nice restaurant, a glass of wine can help you and your partner feel more relaxed and sociable. Drink too much however, and you could find your night ruined by a booze-fuelled barney that neither of you really want. Late-night disagreements may often be resolved in the morning, but they can grow into relationship-threatening resentments.

Sally, 29, says her drunken arguments with ex Michael, 30, would spill over into the next day and that after a couple of drinks even the most innocuous comment could cause tension.  “Our friends would find our bickering amusing because, in retrospect, it was. One time he called me a ‘sour puss’ when I was being a grumpy drunk and it really got under my skin.
“I think in the end, as we had more and more drunken fights, the nasty things we said to each other just didn’t go away.”

Lower inhibitions

So why does alcohol encourage couples to start rowing?

Alcohol works on the brain to lower our inhibitions (1), which can be great news if you fancy some flirty behaviour with your partner. But those lower inhibitions can also make you accidentally let slip that you hate their new hairstyle, or find you flirting with that sexy bar worker between rounds.

Alcohol and aggression

The flipside to the feel-good state that alcohol can create are the angry moods that may start to appear after you've drunk too much. Scientists have linked aggression to the consumption of too much alcohol (2) – so it’s not surprising that you’re more likely to argue after drinking.

More worryingly, scientists have also identified a strong link between alcohol and domestic violence (3). In some cases, arguing after drinking alcohol can bruise much more than your ego.  

Underlying problems

Relate relationship counsellor Christine Northam says that arguing a lot when you’re drunk could reveal underlying problems with your relationship. She believes that alcohol is often used as an excuse for bad behaviour. About a third of the couples Christine sees end up in counselling because one of them, or both, drink too much.

“The younger couples I see work really hard in the week and then go ballistic at the weekend,” says Christine, “and that can cause arguments. In the questionnaire people fill out before they see me, one of the questions is ‘How much alcohol do you drink?’ Often I’ll ask people in counselling ‘Do you drink much?’ they say ‘No’. But looking at their survey results reveals otherwise.”

Ice breaker

It might be that alcohol has been a part of your relationship from the beginning, so it’s hard to change the pattern. When Charles, 30, started dating his wife, Jenny, 27, having a few drinks broke the ice.

“We used to either go out for a drink or sit around at home drinking ” he says. “It helped ease the nerves but Jenny would get drunk faster than me because she’s a lot smaller and wasn’t used to alcohol.” A year later, now they’re married, Jenny doesn’t drink as much and gets annoyed when Charles does.

Talk it through

If alcohol is affecting your relationship, the next day or when you are both sober is the best time to talk  Author and behavioural expert Judi James, who regularly appears on Big Brother, says that if you think your partner is drinking too much, it’s important not to criticise them.
“Instead you might want to say, even if it’s not true: ‘Why don’t we try to cut down together?’ Then you can both motivate one another and will have a responsibility to each other,” advises Judi. “Or you might want to ask your partner when they’re sober, ‘Shall I stop you when you’ve had too much to drink?"

Five ways to stop alcohol ruining your relationship

Go alcohol-free The best nights out, or evenings in, don’t have to include booze. You can bond over a romantic movie or sip delicious alcohol-free cocktails at the bar.

Stay within the government's daily unit guidelines If you do decide to drink alcohol try and stay within the government's guidelines, which advise that men should not regularly drink more than 3-4 units a day (equivalent to a pint and a half of 4% beer) and women should not regularly exceed 2-3 units a day (equivalent to a 175ml glass of 13% wine).

Snack smarter Food slows down the rate your body absorbs alcohol. So if you do choose to drink, eat regularly before and during drinking to help you stay sober.

Talk it out sober If something is worrying you, don’t wait until you’ve had too much to drink to talk about it. Instead, try and discuss any problems with your partner over a coffee. 

Choose the soft option Alternate soft drinks with alcohol to help stay in control of what you’re drinking.

The alcohol talking If your partner is drunk they could say things that they don’t mean. If they’re gunning for an argument try not to take the bait – they're likely to be all apologies in the morning.

Footnotes

(1) Faeroes-Gonzalez, R 2002, 'High Risk Behaviours in a sample of Mexican-American College Students'. Psychological Reports, vol 90, no 1, pp 117-130
(2) Chermack, St et al 1995, 'Alcohol and human physical aggression: Pharmacological versus expectancy effects', vol 56, pp 449-456.
(3) Galanter, M 1997, 'Issues in the Linkage of Alcohol and Domestic Violence Services', Recent Developments in Alcoholism,  vol 13, pp 387-405.

Page last updated by

Matthew Bateman, 05 Oct 2011.

Page checked on

01 Oct 2009